There’s a great video that was coincidentally made in my home town of Colorado Springs, Colorado a few years ago. It’s a very simple “person on the street” sort of video. It’s worth the three minutes to watch it, but in short, the interviewer asks three questions in the following format:

1.  Are gay people born gay or do they choose to be gay?

This is usually asked off camera, the interview starting with the subject’s response. Most of the folks who respond say that they think it’s a choice or possibly a combination of nature and nurture, with an emphasis on nurture. In response, the interviewer hits back with:

2.  When did you choose to be straight?

The subject’s response is frequently shock, combined with disbelief that the solidity of their heterosexuality just came into question. One woman outright laughs at the question. The next moment is my favorite, when you can see them realize that maybe, just maybe, if the question is ridiculous when asked of them, it might be just as ridiculous when asked of a gay person. It’s at this point that a couple of people say “I hadn’t thought about that.” Logically, the interviewer follows up with:

3.  Do you think it’s the same for gay people?

Invariably, each person taken through this progression ends up saying that they think it probably is the same for gay people. They end up realizing that if being straight was not a choice for them, it was not a choice for a gay person either.

My point is not to delve into whether being gay is innate or due to environment or a choice, although I think that if straight people took a moment to turn inward and ask that question of themselves, that question wouldn’t be a question anymore. My point is that most people who are sure that being gay is a choice, haven’t actually thought it through.

As a gay, white male, I have the distinction of being able to live in both the world of the minority and in the world of the majority. When you are part of a majority, there are aspects of your life that fit in nicely with your image of the world. You can rely on society’s “rules” about how things work and do pretty well. Therefore, there’s no need to question the “rules” and you’re free to explore other issues.

As a white person growing up in a largely white city, I didn’t have to question whether my classmates of color might get followed or questioned when browsing the same record stores I browsed in. I was never followed. I never questioned whether my female classmates were treated differently in class. Getting called on in class seemed natural because I was a good student. I didn’t question whether there was another reason.

People in the minority, on the other hand, must spend a great deal of time thinking about their position as a matter of survival, why the rules of society don’t apply and how, and then confront the opposition to those every day.

As a gay person, I had to question the societal image of getting married, buying a house with a white picket fence, and begetting 2.5 children. I had to think about the possible repercussions of talking about a romance at work or with family. And yes, I had to think about whether my being gay was something due to my environment or just who I was. I can say, I knew it wasn’t a choice because then I would have chosen to be straight. Without a doubt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with my life now and wouldn’t change the journey that has led me to where I am, but if I had had the option to choose then, I would have.

So, knowing I didn’t choose, my options were nature or nurture. I did question whether there were things in my upbringing that may have made me gay. For instance, was it because I liked to cook or sew? Was it because I didn’t like sports and preferred music? Was my mom overbearing? Was my dad distant? I thought about all these things and more. A lot. The deductions were many: I knew of many straight men who loved to cook and sew, I knew many straight musicians (and soccer camp had no effect), and both my parents were loving and involved without being overbearing. Those deductions lead to the same conclusion: I am innately gay.

So, it frustrates me when someone in the majority, with the power and privilege that comes with that position, fervently discounts my life experience by saying “it’s a choice.” Especially when they then build upon that belief, voting for policies and laws that directly affect my life without taking the time to examine the validity of that initial belief. I am grateful to those with privilege and power who take it upon themselves to not only question themselves, but their peers. I too am grateful to those who have prodded me to examine the areas in which I have power and privilege due to position.

We are all made better when we take the time to think about it.