A tinge in the tone of voice. An implication. An unspoken hope. The more blatant question, “Why don’t you just marry a woman and have a family?” is one I haven’t been asked outright. Still, the more subtle hopes and desires expressed by people questioning me about my sexuality have been real and I know other gay people who have been asked this question directly.
Sometimes, the hope underlying the question comes from a desire that my life just be “normal.” The questioner then doesn’t have to think about how my life isn’t what they expect. Sometimes, it comes out of (what I would consider to be an erroneous interpretation of) a religious belief. Sometimes it comes out of a concern for the ease of the path of my life. Apart from not wanting to have to think about it themselves, it comes from an underlying intention of concern. The concern is at its most dire when coming from the religious perspective, because from their perspective it is my soul that weighs in the balance, after all.
On a cultural scale, the manifestation of this hope came in the form of the “ex-gay” ministries that sprouted up 35 years ago, coinciding with the growing visibility of gay people in mainstream life. These ministries purport to extend that hope to The Homosexual as they promise a life free from same-sex attraction. With the demise of Exodus International last year, arguably the largest organization of its kind, it is beginning to be clear that their hope is not as well-founded as once was thought. Still, the ministries that remain maintain that homosexuals can have a “normal” life with a spouse of the opposite sex, given enough faith, prayer and dedication.
I could approach an argument against this philosophy of change or adaptation by getting at the fallacy of its Biblical foundation. By going through the half dozen or so verses in the Bible that supposedly refer to homosexuality and showing how each one has either been misinterpreted or mistranslated, building on centuries of bias, I could render the need for this adaptation or change moot. However, I am not a Biblical scholar and would only be plagiarizing work that has been done better and more thoroughly than I could.
Therefore, I will approach it, as most of us only can, through speaking from my own experience.
Being with a woman is something I considered in the past. In some ways, it might have been easier. My closest friends have been women and there were times I considered the idea of carrying the friendship with one or two of them further before I started coming to terms with my sexuality. I think that I could have had a life filled with companionship, even love, and family — if without passion — at least for a time.
However, I realized early on that following that path wouldn’t be fair, to either of us. The benefits would have eventually been overridden by dissatisfaction, frustration and resentment.
As humans, we are highly adaptable. You can look anywhere in the world and find people who have adapted to conditions and situations that are difficult, adverse, even dangerous. Many entered into willingly while others are a matter of survival. I can think of many examples of people I’ve known who have adapted to a harsh life in order to survive and I know that I could have set my mind to living a life with a woman.
However, I do not think that our lives, that of my hypothetical wife or myself, would have reached the same full potential as lives spent with people who fully adored us. Passion, for music or chemistry or whatever makes you tick, unlocks something within us that allows us to reach our highest potential. At every stage of my life, when I have had a choice between something that spoke to my truest self and something that was safe, and made the choice for the former, I have soared, attaining goals faster and more easily than expected. When choosing the latter, I have been met with obstacles, frustration, and on occasion, regret.
Last year, on the eve of Exodus International’s closing, I watched a man talk about his experience with the organization on Lisa Ling’s “Our America”. He now considers himself an ex-Ex-gay. During his 19-year career as a pastor and marriage to a woman, he saw himself as “the star ex-gay”. However, on the inside he “knew it wasn’t true,” that he wasn’t truly changing, but that “what I was learning was how to hide more.” That doesn’t sound like soaring. It sounds like regret.
Through junior high and high school, I had a violin teacher who would frequently tell me: “We need to get you a girlfriend to light a fire under you.” Awash in confusion, my naive self couldn’t see how getting a girlfriend was going to bring the passion that he thought (and, in hindsight, rightly so) was lacking in my performances. That is, until I had my first serious boyfriend — and breakup — in college. The experience of love and pain breathed life into the years of technique I had learned. Sweet melodies were now fueled by the experience of true love. Melancholic phrases took on nuances of remorse and heartbreak. Loud, fast passages took on the robustness of rage and passion.
Adaptation is possible but comes at the cost of human potential. Compromise is a necessary part of life but our ability to reach our highest potential is diminished when we compromise anything that is at our core. Passion and love ignite the fires that drive us to soaring heights and in this one life that we have to live, it is the saddest tragedy of all to knowingly limit that flight. I could have married a woman but neither of us would have soared. I played the violin, but until I knew love, it wasn’t music.